Lucky

I was going to title this post Never Hang Wallpaper With Your Husband – something I attempted last night. And while it is going to look great when it is done, let’s just say it was a little harder than we anticipated. But then I guess most things are a little harder than anticipated, aren’t they? Somehow we always think things are going to get easier, that we can plan and control and MAKE things easier. And it works every now and then. But not often. There are a lot of things that we just can’t control. A lot of things never get easier. I know this with my logical brain, but my heart fights it. My challenge is to just accept the things I can not change. Wow. I guess those AA people are on to something.

I can not change other people. They are who they are and they are how they are, and no matter how I try to adjust situations around them, the end result will always be the same.

I can not change the way others perceive me. What I see as being assertive, someone else will see as taking more than my fair share. What I see as trying to contribute and give back, others will see as trying to take over.

Perhaps parents always see us as children.

Perhaps we never stop looking to our parents for approval.

Sometimes it feels like I can’t win for losing.

But I have won. I am so lucky. The trick is remembering it.

I am lucky to be sitting at the kitchen table right now with the most precious children in the world. Lola Gray is cutting construction paper to make robots. Fletcher is coloring badges. They are making a huge mess in the kitchen, as has become our daily custom. I love the mess.

I am lucky to be able to spend the summer being lazy with my husband and my children. It is in those lazy moments, the unstructured time, that we really get to know each other. And ourselves. There is no one in the world I would rather spend time with. There is nothing I need beyond them. Unconditional love seems like such an elusive thing sometimes, such a hard thing to earn. But looking at these 3 people I know that it exists. I love them with every ounce of my being. Nothing could change that.

The world moves so fast. I just want to be here NOW.

Things are far from perfect. Our roof won’t stop leaking. We have no money. Less than no money. And it is stressful. But we have so much to be happy about. Raymond says it isn’t luck. He doesn’t believe in luck. But I feel lucky. And believing it makes it so.